Sadden

Hello
I thought around this time I would be writing good things about Christmas, but since the passing of my sister I don't think I can. Everybody keeps telling me that this feeling will someday passed, but it can't come soon enough. My sister had two beautiful children and what hurts me the most is that she won't be there for them, when they go off to college or to prom. I'm already hurting, but I hurt even the more when I think about her young children. I know God does everything for a reason, but I still ask him why, why did he take my sister away from us and most of all from her dear sweet children. She won't be there to catch them when they fall, she won't be there when her son has his first girlfriend or her daughter has her first boyfriend or when either one of them turns eighteen. Oh Lord, how am I suppose to celebrate Christmas or bring in the News year knowing she didn't make it. She saw ground breaking history when Barack Obama was elected as the first black president of America,but sadly she won't see him get sworn into office next month. The last time I talked to her was hours before she died through my mother on her cell phone. I asked her was she giving up and she said no. I wonder if she told me that so I wouldn't worry. I cried as she laid on her death bed, lifeless looking, begging for her not to leave because her children needed her. Doctors told my mother that she was in a semi coma, but I think she was already gone. I wonder if she heard my plea and if she tried to come back. When I was crying my mom said she can hear you, but one of my older sisters said that my mother was in denial and doctors said she was very sick. But I wouldn't say that my mommy was in denial, but she is a praying a lady and I think she thought that God Almighty would spare her baby's life. No one know how a mother feels when their child is sick and she just wanted the Lord to breathe life back into her little girl's life. She wasn't actually a little girl, but she was to her mother. My mom often wonders if she was good mother to her, but she was. She was excellent because she was by my sister's side every step of the way taking her to doctors appointments and rushing her to the hospital. As a matter of fact, she rushed her to the hospital that one last time. My mommy said she asked her on the way to the hospital was she given up and my sister said, "no ma, I got to much to live for," which is the exact same thing she told me. All the while she was saying this my mom said she never looked up and kept her head down. I hurt for my mother because no one can understand a mother's love for her child until they have their own. Sometime I cry for my big sister asking her to come and talk to me, but I don't think she will. I acted like a child sometimes knowing fully that I understand why she's gone, but I still ask why God, why? I remember when John Ritter died, his wife said their little girl told God to drop him from heaven and just like her I told the Lord the same thing about my sister. My mom said she can hear me, I just have to listen. I also asked God Almighty why did he have to take my sister away and my mom said listen and he will tell you. At times I can't sleep at night wondering about my sister. In case your wondering what was wrong with my sister, she had heart failure. We didn't realize how sick she was, although she kept saying it, maybe we were in denial and did not want her to be sick, I don't know. I wish I could hold her hand again or even feel her touch. It's crazy because I can hear her voice when I think about her, but I know she's not talking to me. I like to pretend that I visit her in heaven and we talk. I wonder what she would tell me if we did talk. I touch all of her stuff or things that she bought me every chance I get. I often sing or think about the song "tears in heaven" by Eric Clappin it makes me feel some what better. The song also reminds me of my nephew who died 8 years ago last month. He died at 10 of natural causes because he was sick when he was born. My mother also questioned herself as to whether she was a good grand mother to him and I assured her today she was.I will stop at this point because I can go on and on forever.